Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
