what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
