I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
