I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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