Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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