i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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