I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
