I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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