If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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