I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
