I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
