did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
