I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
