My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
