Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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