you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
