My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
