i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
