I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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