I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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