so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
