did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
