apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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