Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
