I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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