I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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