I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
