He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
