I'm really into asian looking animals
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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