I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
