if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i need some magic done to my vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
