bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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