I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The beer is more important than you right now.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
