Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
