you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
