true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
