I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
