My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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