the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
