i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
