Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
