I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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