I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
