so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
