i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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