I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
