Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
