Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
