I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
