my mouth tastes like poor choices
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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