I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
