I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
