My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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