We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
