I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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