If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think i have herpe
just one?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
