It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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