When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
