i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
